Dear mom...

Dear Mom, a whole year has passed since fate decided it had to go this way. They have been months of endless changes in everyone’s life, especially mine. They have been long months, months of so much suffering and continuous getting back up. There are many things I would like to tell you in person; it is not enough for me to ask you for help or tell you that I will make it while looking at your smile in the wonderful photo I keep on the desk. I think I did not have the strength to do it in practice because it would mean staying for longer than I want in the cold and raw reality.

In these months, I managed to find a job thanks to a Hackathon. You would ask me “E sòccu è?” with a curious face, and calmly I would explain to you that it is a 24-hour or more programming competition where people challenge each other to make the best thing. Pessimistic as you are, you would never believe it, but your son won. I know there is your little hand behind it: after the competition, once rested, I did not understand how I had created that project alone in 20 hours. I could not have had all that energy, and yet it went exactly like that.

I went to visit Brescia for an inspection, I started to get to know the first new people who move around the startup. A mess happened in the span of two months, and somehow I was able to handle everything even if a bit in panic at the beginning. I said “mess” not by chance unfortunately: in the same period the most important and wonderful relationship of my life ended, and I know how sorry you are, I know that you care about her too. To reassure you I tell you that as of today we love each other an infinite world, we see each other for the holidays and for vacations, but please do not ask me anything else, anyway you know the answer.

At the beginning of May I finally moved to Brescia, far from the land that has always taken from me and never given if not for a few, very few things. There are incredible people from whom I am trying to take as much as possible to become a more resolute person, more adult, able to overcome any possible obstacle in order to reach one’s goals. And here too I am managing, even if from far away I feel a superhuman force that pervades me when things get heavy and allows me to proceed relentlessly in the path I am taking.

After 10 years I managed to lose 10 kg and I also survived the Christmas holidays without losing progress. I go to the gym, I eat well even if it is not the “eating well” that you like, and I am very satisfied with the results I get. Think that when I moved the bed sheets had not even arrived: I slept for 4 days on the mattress with a dirty pillow from a filthy armchair, they had not even connected gas and water yet, a total disaster. I had to wash myself twice at the gym scrounging a colleague’s card. But don’t worry, today everything is fixed, clean as much as possible, and my room is the biggest since I am a southerner far from home, we could consider it an “company benefit”.

This year moreover I did the madness of getting a bit passionate about the world of motorcycles. Maybe you would have made me pay for this, but I swear that I am prudent (in most cases). In August I bought a splendid brand-new Yamaha MT-07 and I started to ride every day I was down for the holidays. Think that I even took the ferry to bring it to Brescia! Another thing you could not have expected is that I went to America to Nashville: it was a truly incredible experience, I met developers of an unreachable level and saw places that I knew only from movies or from the internet.

In December, I finally went down for the Christmas holidays and decided to cut my hair. I can't imagine how happy you would be now... I was with the relatives and Jenny when she was home. Someone in these months has unfortunately decided to handle things in a questionable way, I would say more people actually. On New Year's Eve, it was very strange not to have you with us for something so usual: there I really missed you, I can't help it, I didn't like it, get used to it. Despite everything, Jenny celebrated her eighteenth birthday, the party went very well, and she is getting her driver's license. I also try to help from afar when possible and hope that somehow everyone can find a balance. Without you, the castle has crumbled, but it's also your fault: you wanted to do everything yourself, and now you have to deal with this result. To this day, I don't even know how to really interact with administrative or bureaucratic platforms like you used to, which is funny because I'm a developer. In a few months, Jenny will have to choose where to study and how: this is where you would have been useful. I am hoping that he will be convinced to go to Palermo and step out of the small-town bubble of Campobello, even just to gain some experience and get to know a new environment, meet different people, and realize that there is more out there. We are living in a very convoluted historical phase, and even tho it's not what we would like, we have to play a game in which we have no say in the rules or the desire to participate. It takes a lot of sacrifice and commitment to have a dignified life: At least for now, I believe I can manage to make it work; I hope she finds the perfect fit to succeed in her own way and is satisfied to lay the foundations for her future adult life.

To some people, it might seem like I'm living the good life despite what happened and I've seen the worst side of people you could never doubt. On one hand it’s not that I care, so much so that it was only pointed out to me by others. It’s just that the truth is that I feel that you are here, I don’t know in what way, I am not even a believer, but there have been things that made me doubt reality. In my opinion you already know everything, but I know how much you would have liked to hear me say it. Time has passed since that night in Rome. I want you to be calm and to enjoy after years of sacrifices a bit of true and eternal rest. But now I think I will go back to asking you for a bit of help every now and then looking at your smile in the same wonderful photo I keep on the desk, ok?

In whatever way, me and Jenny will win,

I love you Francesca,

your son.